Taco Bell and the $2 Bill

On my way home from the second job I've taken for the extra holiday ca$h I need, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat. In my wallet is a $50 bill and a $2 bill. That is all of the cash I have on my person. I figure that with a $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not have to worry about people getting upset with me.

ME:	"Hi, I'd like one seven layer burrito please, to go."
IT:	"Is that it?"
ME:	"Yep."
IT:	"That'll be $1.04, eat here?"
ME:	"No, it's to *go*." [I hate effort duplication.]

At his point I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He looks at it kind of funny and

IT:	"Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right back."

He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within earshot. The following conversation occurs between the two of them.

IT:	"Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?"
MG:	"No. A what?"
IT:	"A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me."
MG:	"Ask for something else, THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS A $2 BILL."
IT:	IT: "Yeah, thought so."

He comes back to me and says

IT:	"We don't take these. Do you have anything else?"
ME:	"Just this fifty. You don't take $2 bills? Why?"
IT:	"I don't know."
ME:	"See here where it says legal tender?"
IT:	"Yeah."
ME:	"So, shouldn't you take it?"
IT:	"Well, hang on a sec."

He goes back to his manager who is watching me like I'm going to shoplift, and

IT:	"He says I have to take it."
MG:	"Doesn't he have anything else?"
IT:	"Yeah, a fifty. I'll get it and you can open the safe and get change."
MG:	"I'M NOT OPENING THE SAFE WITH HIM IN HERE."
IT:	"What should I do?"
MG:	"Tell him to come back later when he has REAL money."
IT:	"I can't tell him that, you tell him."
MG:	"Just tell him."
IT:	"No way, this is weird, I'm going in back."

The manager approaches me and says

MG:	"Sorry, we don't take big bills this time of night." [it was 8pm and this particular Taco Bell is in a well lighted indoor mall with 100 other stores.]
ME:	"Well, here's a two."
MG:	"We don't take those either."
ME:	"Why the hell not?"
MG:	"I think you know why."
ME:	"No really, tell me, why?"
MG:	"Please leave before I call mall security."
ME:	"Excuse me?"
MG:	"Please leave before I call mall security."
ME:	"What the hell for?"
MG:	"Please, sir."
ME:	"Uh, go ahead, call them."
MG:	"Would you please just leave?"
ME:	"No."
MG:	"Fine, have it your way then."
ME:	"No, that's Burger King, isn't it?"

At this point he BACKS away from me and calls mall security on the phone around the corner. I have two people STARING at me from the dining area, and I begin laughing out loud, just for effect. A few minutes later this 45 year oldish guy comes in and says [at the other end of counter, in a whisper]

SG:	"Yeah, Mike, what's up?"
MG:	"This guy is trying to give me some [pause] funny money."
SG:	"Really? What?"
MG:	"Get this, a two dollar bill."
SG:	"Why would a guy fake a $2 bill?" [incredulous]
MG:	"I don't know? He's kinda weird. Says the only other thing he has is a fifty."
SG:	"So, the fifty's fake?"
MG:	"NO, the $2 is."
SG:	"Why would he fake a $2 bill?"
MG:	"I don't know. Can you talk to him, and get him out of here?"
SG:	"Yeah..."

Security guard walks over to me and says

SG:	"Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you're trying to use."
ME:	"Uh, no."
SG:	"Lemme see 'em."
ME:	"Why?"
SG:	"Do you want me to get the cops in here?"

At this point I was ready to say, "SURE, PLEASE," but I wanted to eat, so I said

ME:	"I'm just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this $2 bill."

I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I was taking a swing at him. He takes the bill, turns it over a few times in his hands, and says

SG:	"Mike, what's wrong with this bill?"
MG:	"It's fake."
SG:	"It doesn't look fake to me."
MG:	"But it's a **$2** bill."
SG:	"Yeah?"
MG:	"Well, there's no such thing, is there?"

The security guard and I both looked at him like he was an idiot, and it dawned on the guy that he had no clue.

My burrito was free and he threw in a small drink and those cinnamon things, too. Makes me want to get a whole stack of $2 bills just to see what happens when I try to buy stuff. If I got the right group of people, I could probably end up in jail. At least you get free food.

last update: 5 February 1999